As many of my friends on facebook and here in town have heard lately, I have a new mantra. It is going to be okay, God has a plan for me. It has been a rough week, filled with difficulties, uncertainties, panic, frustration, hopelesness, any other negative emotion you can come up with. I am almost always a glass half full kind of girl. This week, my optimism has failed. I have even gone so far as to question "should I be saying that the other way around? God has a plan for me it's going to be okay. If I do it wrong He will forget me, He will be angry and ignore me." Again, not my typical response. I am waking up in a deep panic, and have to force myself into breathing exercises to keep from being physically ill.
I am flexible, and very willing to accept almost any hardship or uncomfortable situation for myself (this is not immodesty, just the facts), but when it comes to my children, I want more for them. Jason and I have aimed our entire marriage to provide stability for our children, and we haven't had much success. Blake and Noah have both had to change schools part-way through their kindergarten year. I hate that. I moved so much when I was a kid I have no friendships from before high school, and them only because the computer makes it easy. I have reconnected with long lost friends, but I am often envious of other people I knew, that maintained their friendships and are the godparents of each others children, and were bridesmaids in each others weddings. I have never had that. Not that I want to squeeze into a bridesmaids dress, just to have a friend that would want me too. I don't want my children to have the same regrets. I want them to learn that when you see someone everyday you can't walk away from them just because you don't agree. You have to stick it out and learn to navigate the conflict so that you can maintain friendships. The only other choice in a small town is to be isolated.
All of that was leading to this. We have to move. We are absolutely not leaving the area, but we can't stay in this house. I feel like we had just grounded ourselves for the first time ever, I made long-term plans. I have a five year vision of this place, but it will be someone else's place in five years. It is going to be okay, God has a plan for me. I have decided, that our best bet, is to do what we should have done years ago. We need to live below our means. The problem is our means bring us to about the level of tent camping. Below that is a scary prospect. We are going to do everything we can to stay out from under a mortgage. If I can convince my husband to go along with the plan, we will build our own house. I am talking about a five year plan in a whole new light. I am talking about paying for land with monthly payments directly to the owner, not the bank. I am talking about saving ourselves money on insurance, and interest. I am talking about only hiring contractors for the things we physically can not do ourselves. Almost everything in TN is legal, as long as it meets basic code. There are very few things that have to be done by a contractor. We will push the limits of living in a tent, (okay probably a dumpy double wide) in the pursuit of a home that we can be proud of, and that is ours, and that will provide stability for our children. We will feed ourselves only what we can grow or trade for, and we will have income that can go into savings, and into our children's activities. Now, this is a tall order, and it will take time, and it may get derailed at any moment. But it feels like what we are being called to do. I feel like God has provided me with all of this information about homesteading for a reason, and that he is showing me, when I give in to his design everything works out. We shall see how this plays out, but in the meantime, It is going to be okay, God has a plan for me.